What Happens To Uncollected Ashes


cremation urn displayA death in the winter. Difficulty scheduling a memorial. Family members unprepared to accept the death of a loved one. There are many reasons that people never go to collect the ashes of their loved ones after they die and are cremated. Unlike traditional burials, cremated remains take up little space. Since ashes do not require a prompt burial, family members sometimes allow the remains to sit at the funeral home until a better time. But, as cremation trends toward the more popular method of treating the body after death, the number of uncollected urns at funeral homes increases. And, it is a problem all over the world. While most funeral homes simply hold on to the ashes, waiting for the family to come get them, some funeral directors are taking matters into their own hands. While the decision to leave the ashes at a funeral home is considered an option by many, there are many more dignified choices to give the deceased their due.

Uncollected Ashes in North America

Across North America, the story is the same. From California to Quebec, funeral directors are at a loss to determine what to do with the rising numbers of uncollected urns in their funeral homes. The Cremation Association of North America (CANA) maintains data about cremation in this region. And, for the 23,000 funeral homes in North America, uncollected ashes are a fact of life. According to Global News, CANA estimates that there are more than 2 million urns in funeral homes across North America, waiting to be collected.

Some have been forgotten as an institutional problem. BBC reported that in 2004, Oregon State Hospital unearthed the ashes of more than 3,400 people, some dating back to the 1880s. But, for most cases, the matter is more personal. CANA’s executive director Barbara Kemmis told Global News that after families have begun to pick up the pieces, they still are unsure what to do with the cremated remains. They may not be aware of their options for scattering the ashes, as well as burial on land or at sea.

A Worldwide Problem

In the United Kingdom, funeral homes face the same concern. And, the older the funeral home, the older the ashes. BBC noted that some funeral homes in the U.K. have urns from the 1910s or 1920s. One funeral director in Southampton, England, begged for people to collect some of the 405 urns waiting at a single funeral home. All over the world, funeral directors often cannot conclude what to do with the ashes. Some funeral homes are becoming crowded due to cremation’s rise in popularity.

Funeral directors dread making a decision to scatter or bury uncollected ashes, only to have the family members return to collect them. And, this does occasionally happen. In 2008, ABC News reported a story about a woman who collected her father’s ashes at a funeral home in Toledo, Ohio, 67 years after he died. That funeral home closed business after nearly 150 years, and needed to find homes for the uncollected remains. When the home published the names of the deceased in a local newspaper, the woman claimed the ashes of her father, who had died in 1941.

Funeral Directors Take Action

While most funeral homes make earnest attempts to either keep uncollected ashes or find family members to collect ashes, others have no choice but to take action. Depending on local laws, funeral homes must keep the ashes for a certain amount of time. Most U.S. states require them to hold onto uncollected ashes for a minimum of four years, although states like Ohio mandate a comparatively short 60 days. After that, it is up to funeral directors to decide. Kemmis of CANA told Global News that funeral directors sometimes scatter or bury the ashes themselves. But, they usually keep meticulous records of the names of the deceased and where the remains were scattered or buried.

Some funeral directors believe that it is important to find a final resting place for the deceased, which is not in a funeral home. The Daily Mail in the U.K. reported last year about Phil Painter, a funeral director who publicly announced that he would scatter the ashes of 150 people whose remains sat unclaimed at his business. Painter said that this was a final effort to alert families to their need to come get the remains of their loved ones. He claimed that he was more than willing to give families the time they needed to make arrangements. But, for remains dating back as far as the 1950s, he said it was time to give them a proper service.

Modern Approaches

One of the reasons people leave the cremated remains of their loved ones at a funeral home is that they simply cannot decide what to do with the ashes. They are unaware of the many options available to them these days. Ashes may be scattered, buried underground, in a cemetery or even at sea. Although people may choose to keep the ashes of the deceased near them in a classic brass urn, they have other choices. These days, urns are designed for scattering, burial or as keepsakes. Some are even biodegradable. Urn manufacturers use a variety of materials to construct the urns, including:

• Wood 
• Metal
• Stone

There are many choices in color and style, depending on what the family intends to do with the ashes. That way, people can select the urn that demonstrates the loved one’s style and personality.

Every funeral home has at least a few urns for ashes that sit uncollected by the family. While in most cases, funeral directors wait for families to return, some eventually decide to scatter the ashes themselves. When people know the many alternatives they have for the cremated remains of their loved ones, they can make a better choice.


  1. //

    It’s a shame that some people are cremated, then have their ashes left at the funeral homes. I can see how someone may leave the ashes for a while, but to forget them is a big deal. I hope that if one day I’m cremated, I hope my family doesn’t forget about my remains. Thanks for that really interesting information!

  2. //

    I never knew that this would be an issue. I wouldn’t have thought that people would forget the ashes of those people that they love. I’m surprised that there are ashes from the 1920s in the UK. I would think that it would become a storage problem. This is really interesting.

  3. //

    I had no idea that uncollected ashes could be such a problem for funeral homes. I personally would recommend always being in close contact with the funeral home so you don’t forget anything. Don’t forget your ashes, and don’t burden the funeral home with making a tough decision.

  4. william gonnello


  5. Doninya Calvin maiden name Donna Stevenson

    In April of 1977 my mother Edna Mae Stevenson was cremated in Alhambra California. I was 11 and as far as I know her ashes were never claimed. Is there any way of finding out where the ashes may be now?

  6. Connie Hodge

    If unclaimed remains are not picked up by family members , can members of a church where the deceased person was a member collect them and have a decent memorial service and have the remains buried properly in a cemetary in his or her home town with dignity?

  7. Eleanor Hotchkiss

    I want to be cremated but I don’t want any of my family members taking my ashes.

  8. Jason

    I came here assuming a crematorium would know best how to dispose of my ashes with dignity so I could spare my family from any further effort. Apparently this is not a service they offer.

  9. Annie

    Would anyone be able to help me? I have returned to collect my deceased husbands ashes from the funeral directors only to find they have dissolved and gone. Please can anyone tell me what is likely to have happened to them? Is there a legal obligation on behalf of the funeral company. I did not know at the time that the company was in the process of dissolving but it appears they went quickly after the cremation. I would be grateful for any advice.

  10. Nina lucero

    I’m involved with a family through a dear friend/father. His only son doesn’t have the income to pay for his funeral. Noonebgas came forward. His body was in cooler for 26 dates before they cremated him now they refuse to hand him ashes of his fatherer. Help what can we do. We are desperate.

  11. Grant

    If the so called ” loved ones ” don’t care enough to collect them after a reasonable time then why should the funeral home be burdened with them.

  12. Marleen Ashworth

    For some families it’s a matter of money. Cremation runs around 700.00 to 1,500.00. I paid 4,200.00 for my mom’s spot and since she had no life insurance to total bill was a little over 5,000.00.
    Now I face the part where I need 3 signatures to complete her burial, per the cemetery requirements. My mom is still in my home due to sibling stupidity.

  13. Elizabeth

    It’s been 11 years ago today that my mother died and I still have not been able to locate her ashes. The funeral home doesn’t know, the executor of her estate doesn’t know, nobody seems to know. Is there any kind of database I can tap into that might help?

  14. Rosalyn kenney

    What happens when the person has made arrangements before death to be cremated but has no relatives to collect the ashes? Can they be given to a friend?

  15. //

    Hello Rosalyn,

    When making arrangements for a cremation, bring a relative or close friend with you while making such sensitive decisions. The importance of pre-planning a cremation or ceremony can ease the burden off friends or family. Get in contact with your local funeral director to discuss the different options available. Proper paper work will need to be filled out for the release of the cremated remains from the crematorium.

    Susan Fraser

  16. //

    Hello Connie,

    Contact the funeral home in which the deceased member is located. Each funeral home is different depending on local laws and should be able to provide you with further steps to take. There are pre planning steps families can take to help guide them through this difficult process. Please visit our post on Pre-Planning a Funeral for more detailed information.

  17. //

    Hi Eleanor,
    I would suggest pre-planning for your cremation, that way you have a say in how you would like your cremains handled when the time comes. A lot of people like the idea of having their ashes scattered and there are several types of scattering urns that can help with this process, https://www.inthelighturns.com/scattering-urns.html

    Susan Fraser

  18. //

    Hi Nina, funeral services can become very pricey, we completely understand that many families do not have the ability to have services. If ever in need we here at In The Light Urns offer free urns.https://www.inthelighturns.com/free-urns.html
    It may also be helpful to reach out to a local corners office. They may be able to help with the cost.

    Susan Fraser

  19. //

    Hello Elizabeth,

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. The Cremation Association of North America (CANA) is a database that you can go to for this specific reason. Are you located in North America? They have over 3,300 members, composed of funeral homes, cemeteries, crematories, industry suppliers and more. They would be able to provide you with the next steps in locating your mother’s ashes. I am sorry you have to go through this, it must be very frustrating.

    Susan Fraser

  20. //

    Hello Doninya,

    Contact the funeral home where your mother was said to be. In California a funeral director or cemetery has complete authority over the final disposition of cremains when:
    1.) They have knowledge that none of the listed persons exist OR none of the listed people can be found after reasonable inquiry or contacted by reasonable means.
    2.) The public administrator fails to assume responsibility for the final disposition within 7 days after being given notice

    Susan Fraser

  21. //

    Hello Grant,

    People respond to grief differently. There are so many reasons why ashes are not collected. In each state, the rules and regulations differ. For example, only approved family members or friends are allowed to collect their loved one’s ashes. Funeral homes will not hand them out to anyone. Sometimes, families have conflicts about who gets to keep their loved one’s ashes. It is vert important for families to pre-plan their memorial service, so problems like this do not occur.

    Susan Fraser

  22. //

    Hello Marleen,

    I agree with you because for many it is a matter of money. When it comes to a death in the family, so many issues can arise. It is important to be prepared for these scenarios. Pre-Planning a Funeral or Memorial service is, although uncomfortable to discuss, a very important process to help alleviate stress of the family when a death occurs. Cremation costs vary in each state and it can all depend on the type of service, urn style, burial arrangements and so on. Cremation is becoming increasingly popular for many reasons and financial costs are one of them. Cremation funerals can save thousands compared to traditional burials.

    Susan Fraser

  23. //

    Hello Jason,

    Every funeral home is different. I would contact the funeral home with questions regarding what they do with uncollected ashes. The death of a family member is always a difficult process to go through. Pre Planning a Funeral or Cremation Ceremony can help alleviate stress for families. Having a plan will help family and friends through grieving the loss of a loved one.

    Susan Fraser

  24. //

    Hello Annie,

    Each state has different rules regarding time limits for uncollected ashes. Most states require funeral homes to hold ashes for a minimum of 4 years. Some funeral homes will take matters into their own hands, however they will keep record of this information for purposes of family. Funeral Directors are required to reach out to the families related to the deceased. I would contact your funeral home for further information regarding your husbands remains.

    Susan Fraser.

  25. //

    Hello William,

    Each individual has their own opinion in regards to death and the cremation process. Also, grief plays a major role in the planning of a funeral or memorial service. There are some people who do not believe in these rituals. However, ways to cope with grief can help anyone regardless of their beliefs. Each person will handle a loss differently, but the stages of grieving can serve as a support guide.

    Susan Fraser

  26. catherine wells

    my brother was cremated 14th feb 2017,his wife has not bothered to collect his ashes,as she is now with someone else.i cant collect them,as i was told she is the client,and she must give permission to allow this.what can i do to get my brothers ashes,as this is nearly 8mnths,that his ashes are still at the funeral parlour.the wife wont talk to me.do i need to get a lawyer to sort this out? please can someone give me advice?

  27. //

    Hello Catherine, i’m so sorry you are having trouble obtaining your brothers ashes. What state are you located in? The laws do slightly vary from state to state, but normally the legal spouse does have the rights to the cremated remains. Have you tried making contact with her recently to see if she would give permission for you to come collect the remains since he was your brother? If you are not able to get in contact with her or would rather not I think your best bet at that point would be to contact a lawyer to sort out the legalities.

    Susan Fraser

  28. //

    My best friend of thirty eight years and the mother of my nephew, passed away November of 2015 and her ashes are also still sitting at the funeral home. My nephew is the one that is to pick them up and he’s been given lots of money by her 2 sisters and 1 brother so he can pick them up but he chooses to party instead. Both sisters and the brother and boyfriend has tried to go in, with money, but they will not release the ashes without my nephew’s signature and he is not responding to phone calls, messages, etc. It’s really sad and just breaks my heart knowing my friend is where she is. I am in Oregon.

  29. //

    Hello Janice,

    We do not know the total circumstances here and are not attorneys,
    but feel if it is what you say, sometimes these uncaring people
    need to be put in their place.

    Depending on state law, you can walk down to the local courthouse and tell them
    you would like to make a Civil Suite. No lawyer necessary in our state, California,
    they will just give you the paper work.

    Once you fill out the paper work, take statements from all those involved and go
    back to the court house and pay the file fee for a Civil Suite. Depends on the
    state for cost, but it is usually a minimal charge to file a Civil Suite with the

    Again, depending on the state, once that process is done you should easily get
    granted a suit. You will be notified and he will be served a subpoena.

    In California a private citizen, maybe even you, can walk up and hand him the
    subpoena yourself and tell him, “you have been served”. He would then have to
    comply to the subpoena, or suffer a warrant that could leave him with a fine, put
    him in jail, or both.

    Most likely at this point he would be hightailing it to the crematorium to pick
    up the ashes. I would also make sure it’s known you do want your friends ashes back
    and if needed you can request for him to pay back the filing fees as well.

    If he does comply and you are happy I would go back to the court house and tell them
    you want to drop the charges. Hopefully in the end, everyone is happy, and you all can
    have some closure knowing your friend has made it out of the funeral home.

    Susan Fraser

  30. Chris


    My close friend died on 2-20-17 at age 33, cancer. I have 1/3 of his ashes. I am just a loyal friend of 12 yrs. His bf has some and my decease friend parents have a bit. My question…. I have brought a niche @Forest Lawn Glendale, California for him. Paid off. I want to put him in it but they say I need promission from the next of ken. Well I am having problems finding his parents who live back east. His BF is now in Texas and I cant get a hold of him ( HE HAS POWER OF ATTORNY). But since I can’t get ahold hold of him what is the next step so I can put my friend ashes to rest? Do I need to go to court and see a judge? Please help me, this is hurting me so bad. Thank you. Bless you.

  31. //

    Hello Chris, I’m so sorry to hear about your friends passing and things being so complicated. Its a shame he does not want to help seeing as this was his BF and you already have a plot paid for. If you are not able to locate his parents and his BF is the only option I would continue trying to get in contact with him. The next option I would suggest would be to file a civil suit, very easy in our state of California, you can just walk down to he courthouse and fill out the paperwork. He can then be served by mail, seeing as he is in another state, or depending on the state you can usually have a sheriff within his state serve him the papers directly. After he is served he should, at that point, be in contact with you and willing to cooperate. If all goes well and you get what you need you can then drop the charges and hopefully in the end everyone is happy, I hope this helps.

    Best wishes,
    Susan Fraser

  32. Jane Doe

    I don’t want to burden my family with the task of disposing of my ashes. We still have 3 urns full of immediate family whose disposal keeps getting postponed and it’s been 8 years. I am going to recommend to the funeral director to dispose of them and hope for the best. After all, I’ll be long gone on a new adventure and don’t have any problem with this decision.

  33. //

    You would be surprised, but it is very common for people to hold onto their loved ones ashes for years to come after the passing. A lot of factors play into this of course and everyone deals with it differently, although there are several different Methods of Scattering Ashes, it is definitely your choice as to how you want your cremains handle at the time of passing. You may want to check out our post on Pre-planning a Funeral or Cremation Ceremony, which gives some helpful tips when it comes to pre-planning. Sometimes pre-planning is not an option, but if you are able to set up some guidelines for your passing it will help your loved ones make the right decision in regards to your cremains when the time comes.

    Susan Fraser

  34. Charles

    I commend Susan Fraser for trying to be helpful, but regarding those who do not want anyone either to have the ashes or to have the responsibility of disposing of them, Ms. Fraser is simply, albeit kindly, ducking the question. Some of us consider common practices regarding one’s remains to be disgusting. They should not be coerced into going along with those practices. Funeral homes should give the option to have one’s remains disposed of along with the funeral homes’ other waste products. While this could be considered disrespectful when decided by someone other than the deceased, surely the deceased’s own determinations as expressed prior to death should be accepted without question.

  35. //

    Hello Charles,

    I guess I should have considered those who do not want to participate in the common practices for there own personal reasons aside from the most common reasons. I do know the idea of handling remains or dealing with someones deceased body can be somewhat uncomfortable for some people regardless if the person was a loved one so I guess I can see where you are coming from. Since the number of uncollected ashes continues to grow, maybe it will be a possible choice in the future to have the funeral home just dispose of the person’s ashes if they had no arrangements pre-planned and the person left in charge does not want to carry out any type of memorial, burial or scattering of the ashes.

    Susan Fraser

  36. Colleen Brindle

    Susan my sister passed in 2011 at the time of the funeral my niece her only daughter refused the remains and I her only next of kin was given them by the funeral director,. Now 7 yrs later my niece wants them what rights do I have to continue to keep my sisters cremations in the state of Pennsylvania? Please help

  37. //

    Hello, Colleen So sorry that you have to go through all this so many years after the passing of your sister. We are not lawyers so we can just call this an option and we are not advocating any company or giving legal advice. But you may find some insight regarding the right to disposition of a decedent’s remains here. goo.gl/9b6Y5L

    Emotions can become powerful during a time of the death of a loved one which leaves some that can barely think. I speak from experience. But after so much time all of sudden the desires, whim, or caprice of your niece comes welling up is not really fair to her Mothers Sister.

    Couple things to note is that your niece refused the remains at the time of the funeral and you were given the cremated remains by the funeral director. Did you sign anything? If you did and you have the paperwork then you may want to point that out to your niece. Your Funeral Direct might have some records. You also might want to look up the statue of Pennsylvania Civil Statutes of Limitations. goo.gl/x2KMzE

    Lastly, if you want, you could ask her to go buy a Cremation Urn that is about a hundred cubic inches in size and you could split ashes with her and ask a Funeral Director (maybe the same one) to transfer about half of the cremated ashes into the urn.

    Hope this helps if not let me know.

  38. Paula Chiles

    My grandfather died in 1976. My grandmother never claimed his ashes. My grandmother and both my parents are now deceased. It always bothered my mother that there was never a marker for her dad. My grandmother and parents are all buried at the same cemetery.
    None of us grandkids can remember the name of the funeral home. The newspapers have archived their records that far back. I have called a couple of libraries to look for his obit., but no luck. He was in the military in WW II. I know the VA will provide a marker for free. When I called them, they told me they cannot provide a marker without the ashes.
    He lived and in the state of Missouri.
    Can you help me find his ashes?
    I want to honor my Mama’s wishes and have a military stone place at the foot of my grandmother’s grave for my grandfather.
    Thanks very much. Blessings,

  39. //

    Hello Paula, I’m sorry you have been having trouble locating your grandfather’s ashes. Do you have the exact date of his passing? Unfortunately since it has been over 40 years since he passed it is likely that the funeral home has already dispersed of his ashes on their own. I would not give up looking though, the best option would be to keep doing some research. You can always try locating records through various genealogy websites. Better yet, I would try contacting the local cemeteries in the area that your grandfather passed away. In some cases when ashes are left uncollected, depending on the funeral home, they will end up being transferred to a cemetery for burial or scattering and the cemetery should have names on record from the funeral home if this was the case.

    Susan Fraser

  40. Shirley A REEDY

    My niece died her daughter had her cremated and has the ashes.
    There months later my nieces grandfather died his going to be buried the wife of the deceased ask the niece of she would consider giving her small tiny bit of her their daughters ashes to bury insiders casket with her Dad..
    The niece said NO!!! The severity like 4 pounds we only want ounces of less!!!
    Other Than Giving The Ashes To Then Family Member
    Does the funeral home also have ashes of the deceased?
    That we could get. I had heard you could.
    We’re just asking or is there no hope.
    Thank you for your time.

  41. //

    Hello Shirley, i’m so sorry your niece isn’t helping make this any easier. If your niece has already collected the ashes from the funeral home, there is no reason for the funeral home to hold onto any of the ashes, so unfortunately it would be unlikely that they would have any there. Do you know if the deceased had any type of written will describing who was entitled to the ashes?

  42. Jane Hale

    I’m working on a fictional manuscript. A boy is burned in a house fire. The mother is a single parent and has no relatives. She and her son were living with another man who set the fire to get rid of both of them. She got out but the boy didn’t. She escaped from the hospital fleeing for her life because the man will kill her if he finds her. She changes her name and appearance. Two years later the man is killed. She wants to find out what happened to her son’s remains. This is in Mississippi. Would the bones from the fire be retained by the police who invested the house fire or a local funeral home? Thanks for your help.

  43. Jason McNeely

    My father’s remains are in a funeral home now. I just simply don’t have the thousands of to get him out.

  44. //

    So sorry to hear you are not able to pay the cremation fee. More people than you would think are in the same position, have you ever thought about setting up a small donation campaign? You might be able to collect enough money to help out with the fee and get your father’s remains home.

  45. //

    Hello Jane, sounds like a suspense filled script. To answer your question, the bones would first be collected by the police department for proper analysis. Once the police no longer have use for the bones they would then be transferred to a proper funeral director or mortician, hope this helps.

  46. Alan Sullentrop

    I would like to have a final resting place with one of my children. I will not force them to as any resting place would be fine with me.

  47. //

    That sounds like a beautiful plan, have you discussed the option of pre-planning with any of your children? This is a good way to come up with a plan or guidelines for your loved ones to follow once the time does come for passing. Usually at the time of death it becomes harder to make certain decisions when people are so burdened with grief.

  48. Candice Prestel

    On Oct 31, 2017 I received a call saying my mother was dead and I needed to meet with coroner for pick up with my oldest who was 11yrs old. I was told by funeral home nothing would be done with my mother without my OK. I lost our home that same week and struggled to raise funds for a respectful cremation as my sister, who hadn’t talked nor seen our mother in over 16yrs, refused to allow us a viewing as when we found her she’d already passed 2-3 days prior and I didn’t want that to be last image my daughter and I have of her. Not to mention my sister lives in Iowa and I’ve been only one in my mom’s life for nearly past 2 decades.
    Anyways, 2 weeks ago I found out, by continous and unrelentless attacks and abuse from my sister and aunt that my mom was cremeated and my sister was sent all of her ashes! Funeral home claims they tried numerous attempts to contact me but I have phone records tjat show they didn’t. Now, today my aunt has been horrifically attacking me and claims she has my mother.
    What legal rights do I have and steps do I take in obtaining 1/2 of her ashes before they plant her with a tree, which was Not what she wanted done with her ashes?

  49. //

    Hello Candice,
    I’m sorry your aunt and sister are not making this any easier on you. This is actually more common than you might think, people tend to respond differently during the grieving process and everyone deals with grief in their own way. What state do you live in? Each state has its own set of laws regarding who has the rights to a loved ones cremains. Unless your mother by chance had a will stating who has the rights to her cremains once she passes, the will would then be honored first, by law.

  50. Bernard Strange

    My brother kept away last October and my mum could not be bothered to come and sort out his funeral, she would not let me know what was going on and now here we are in June and still she could not be able to get his Ashes from the funeral home I,ve lost count as to how many times I,ve rang them and they keep saying that they can not tell me anything as it comes under the data protection act,
    She will not come and get them all I want to do is collect them and put him to rest.
    Now at a loss as to what I can do now.

  51. //

    Hello Bernard, I’m so sorry things have not been easy with obtaining your brothers ashes. I see you are located in the UK, and the laws are different internationally when it comes the legalities dealing with cremation. I would suggest at this point to get in contact with an attorney to see what your rights are and they should be able to help get this sorted out for you. You can also see if the funeral home will give you any information on what steps you would need to take to legally obtain your brothers ashes. Hope this helps, I wish you the best.

    Susan Fraser

  52. //

    My oldest son passed away almost ten years ago, and at the time, his mom and I had him cremated, and she has kept his remains in her home. I find myself wondering if the funeral home really burned the coffin, a $5000 deal. I would bet even money that the coffin was retrieved and resold, and that this may be a common occurrence. Is that legal? They really try to sock it to grieving loved ones as they know their state of mind. Do you think my question is morbid?

  53. //

    Hello David,
    Your question I guess could be considered morbid by some, but it is a good question and a concern for many i’m sure. It would all depend on the funeral home and the state you are located in. Almost all funeral homes require the body to be placed inside some type of container for the actual cremation. If you guys had purchased a cremation coffin with an outer shell to resemble a traditional casket then the outer shell would be removed before cremation and the inner box/coffin the body is placed in would be left for the cremation process. If this was the case, then it is possible the outer shell was reused, depending on the laws within your state. You could always do a weight comparison as well to determine if the coffin was included with the cremation. How much did your son weigh at passing?

  54. Ricky Butler

    Hello Susan. my mom passed away after a sudden and Brief Illness May 24 2016 at age 81. she had pre-arranged her cremation in 2010 and left me in charge. afterwards I kept the cremains for 3 months but felt uneasy about it. so I purchased a Niche in the Cemetery near her home. since mom had suffered a stroke in 1997 she was unable to speak and it was just me and her. for nearly 19 years her two other children and grandchildren showed no concern. my family is VERY estranged and dysfunctional. in 2017 I prepaid and pre-arranged my own cremation and was told by the cemetery since I purchased the niche, I too could be placed in it next to mom. having no family I left the funeral home as executor and written and specific instructions to not bother looking for any family to contact and for them to take me to the cemetery and place me with mom. in fact My name and birth date are on the niche along with Mom’s. is it legal that they do this? I have severed all contact with relatives. I don’t want any of them handling my cremains. only one niece would try. but I removed her name from contacts and her number is unknown. they say since I left instructions she CAN NOT. it’s not a will but my final wishes. any chance she could over ride this? I just wanna rest beside my mother. I am 53. when my time comes. hopefully the distance of time will make my niece leave me alone even in death

  55. Kathleen

    My daughter’s friend passed away earlier this year in Los Angeles County as homeless. Her ashes remain unclaimed. Her father is deceased and her bio mom doesn’t want to collect her ashes. She has some friends that want to give her the final honor of burial. How do we go about obtaining her ashes? Is there a law in California that designates a time frame for the ashes to be held by the Coroner? I’m willing to pick up the Indigent Cremation fee and work with our local cemetary district to have her ashes placed. Any info would be helpful.

  56. //

    Hello Ricky,

    No worries, this is not uncommon and all funeral homes deal with these types of situations at one point or another. If you have already purchased the niche with the funeral home and have a written agreement with them, they must honor your wishes at passing. I hope this helps, let me know if you have any other questions.

    I wish you the best,
    Susan Fraser

  57. //


    I’m so glad you are willing to give her a proper burial, its so upsetting how many ashes go unclaimed yearly. To properly obtain her ashes you should first get written permission from her mother since she is the next of kin and still living. Once you have it in documentation stating you have permission to obtain her ashes I would contact the Los Angeles County Coroner where she was placed. They will be able to give you more information on where the ashes are being held. Here is an email link and a phone number for contact, unclaimed@coroner.lacounty.gov, (323) 343-0755. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.

    Susan Fraser

  58. Kilhefner

    Many thanks for the help that you provide to so many of us.
    I am another one of the few that lost interest in the ashes of my beloved mother.
    She was “murdered” by my 3 siblings the moment THEY decided to place her in an hospice and chose the paliative slow death for her using the cocktail of morphine and ativan.
    They, being my older sister 99% the leader of the pack, were ignorants and also did not want to be involved in her care.
    I, being her caregiver for almost 2 years, loved my mother and she was and always will be my heroe in spite of her disappointment towards me for my unsuccessful life.
    The funeral guy gave me the go around during all my visits to him and he just wanted the money first after he made me sign his papers for 885 dollars. I told him he would get the money the moment he gave the 100% (5 lbs ?) of the ashes.
    it looks like he thought he would get money also from the leader of the pack!?
    8 days after my mothers death he started calling ME now but, I not longer interested.
    I will make my own ashes with her pictures and belongings, after all, how do I know if those are my mother ashes?
    I had told him I wanted to see my mother first. I wanted to be present for the cremation allowed by law but he gave me the go around with lies.
    Today he keeps calling…
    I will never trust him. It is over.
    I keep my mother in my heart and mind. This is the way it should always be!

  59. Fred

    I want my ashes dumped down the toilet. I mean, I’ll be dead, who cares?

  60. Sue

    If the state takes over and cremates my brother – we do not have funds to pay for funeral at this time, and the wife does not pay for them from the state later but I do, can I get the ashes?

  61. Nancy

    Hi, my in-laws were cremated back in 1984 as far as we know. When brother-in-laws did will, they gave my husband (brother) the deeds to the plots where parents were to be buried. They were not buried. We were told that they were buried in a poor mans cemetary or something like that. How can we find out where they are? We are in upstate New York area. Trying to change deeds to plots to my husbands name.

  62. //

    Hello Nancy,

    It’s possible the funeral home that performed the cremation back in 1984 is still holding onto the cremains. They should have the cremation on record and can give more info on what happened to the cremains.

    Susan Fraser

  63. Keisha Bender

    Every time someone in my family gets sick lately, like my Mom and my Sister, it seems then mysteriously they are put into a hospice care right away and people start planing for a cremation, but being very devout Christians and my Mother never wanted to be cremated, and my Sister, was doing everything to get better, does not sound very truthful coming from very shady hateful ungrateful abusive narcissist psycho-sociopaths family members. I am very concerned that I am dealing with cold blooded psycho-sociopaths who may be trying to find a way to cover murders, crimes, and benefit by it by collecting money from it that I have no Knowledge of that they may be collecting or stand to gain. I do not want them doing this to other people in our family for I refuse to believe that my sister passed away with no one contacting me, and after finding it out, no one or her husband contacting me still, and I do not know where is her body or anything of what has happened to her body. I typed her name in the search engine, but no obituary, no memorial, no listing of her, no mention of any death, cremation, or burial. Absolutely nothing! How long does it take to cremate someone? It has been six days since the day that they said that she passed, this Saturday. Why hasn’t or won’t my brother-in-law contact or talk to anyone? I don’t trust my family, think that they are trying to talk me into cremation, and may know more than what they are saying. Refuse to give me any information even my brother-in-law’s phone number until they contact him and hear back from him. So bizarre and makes no sense! More weird that she was also a Veteran and they became nervous and did not want the Army notified of her death.
    I am trying to give them the benefit of a doubt, but if they do not contact me soon. I will contact the military and I will call to get info about her body, but I am not really sure who to contact about her body since she passed away in the hospice. Who do I contact and what do I do?

  64. Deb

    My mom passed away 10 yrs ago. My brother was the executor of the estate. He was to handle all the details of my mom’s burial, since my parents already have 4 burial plots. After her funeral I was called into the funeral director’s office and told I was to pick up her remains. I did this and have had her now for these 10 yrs.
    None of my 3 brother will contribute to her burial. I am on a fixed income. I am trying to save the money to have her properly buried. Is there a time frame to do this.

  65. //

    Hello Keisha,

    I’m really sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation, I understand your concern though, your family should be honest with you. The actual cremation itself usually only takes a couple hours, total turn around time usually can happen within a day depending on the funeral home. Some funeral homes can take up to a week or 2. People tend to handle grief in various ways, it’s possible the rest of the family is still trying to cope with her passing as well and maybe they are not ready to talk. Regardless, you are still left not knowing, which isn’t fair to you. Is there anyway you can get in contact with whoever was in charge of hospice for her? Another option would be to look into a private investigator, or if you truly think there was foul play involved with her death I would then take it up with the local authorities where she was living.

    Susan Fraser

  66. //

    Hello Deb,

    There is no set time frame if you decide you would like to have your moms cremains placed in a proper burial. You mentioned your parents already have 4 burial plots, are one of those plots reserved for your mom?

    Susan Fraser

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